The #MeToo movement has created an unprecedented confusion across America. On the one hand, those speaking up revealed systemic sexual predatorily behavior that none of us support. On the other, we discovered many women (and men) knew about the sexual predators and did nothing, said nothing, to warn other women and society about this unacceptable and criminal behavior. The women who remained silent claimed to fear losing their job, their career or reputations. Tough shit!
John Kennedy didn’t remain silent when he felt America was headed down the wrong path. Bullets ripped through his body on November 22, 1963. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. worked to bring racial equality to our nation. He was assassinated on April 4, 1968. John’s brother, Bobby, stood up to end racial division in our country. A lone gunman took his life on June 6, 1968. They put the needs of others above their love of life or self. This is courage and life demands we act courageously to protect ourselves and those we love. Men have many faults — but they have courage. Women have many strengths — but too many lack courage.
FACT: Men need sex
Our evolution has taught us to fight or fuck — to put it bluntly. Historically, if a male didn’t know how to fight, he was likely killed. His genes did not pass to the next generation. Good fighters thus survived. Likewise, if a male wasn’t successful finding a suitable partner for procreation, his seed and genes did not pass to the next generation. Those of us alive today are the product of men who were good at fighting and fucking. Men are violent; men crave sex.
Women historically have set the boundaries. “Put an aspirin between your legs for effective birth control,” parents chastised young women. “Wait until you are married,” cautioned a protective society. The pill and social revolution have led to a “hook up” culture. A guy and gal meet, they have a couple drinks, and off to bed they go.
The Humiliation of Aziz Ansari illustrates the Contemporary Sexual Conundrum
A young woman, identity-protected name “Grace, was excited to meet Ansari at a party in LA. Aziz initially brushed her off. But they later exchanged numbers. Back in NY, Aziz asked her out. Grace was so excited. They had a glass of wine at his apartment.
Grace knew nothing of Aziz. Yet she went solo to his apartment. Parents didn’t support such behavior back in our day.
Aziz took her to dinner at an expensive restaurant and brought her back to his apartment.
Grace knew little about Aziz. Yet she returned solo to his apartment. Parents didn’t support such behavior back in our day.
Within minutes of returning, Grace was sitting on the kitchen counter and Aziz was — apparently consensually — performing oral sex on her.
Grace opened her legs to a man about whom she he knew nothing. Who behaves like this? Both Aziz and Grace failed the morality test. Society does not support such behavior. Parents do not. The “proper” way would have been Aziz escorting Grace back to her apartment, maybe giving her a kiss at the door, and ending their First Date. Grace opened her legs and Aziz then went on, per her account, to pressure her for sex in a variety of ways that were not honorable. What has been honorable about this initial encounter? Grace is a slut and Aziz is a horn dog.
Eventually, overcome by her emotions at the way the night was going, she told him, “You guys are all the fucking same,” and left crying. Caitlin Flanagan, writing for The Atlantic, considered this to be the “most significant line in the story:” This has happened to Grace many times before. What led her to believe that this time would be different?
Again, Grace is a slut and Aziz is a horn dog. Grace hides her name. Shame on her. She slanders Aziz while she was equally responsible for this dishonorable behavior.
Men and Women Must Establish Sexual Boundaries
A Facebook friend, Lilly Lue, who is a professional exotic dancer, posted this meme on her page. Duduzane Gupta gave an example to explain consent and sexual boundaries. “If you’ve ever tried to put your finger up a straight guy’s ass during sex, you’ll know that they actually understand ongoing consent, withdrawal of consent and sexual boundaries very well.” She adds, “They act confused when it’s our bodies.”
Ms. Gupta is wrong. In her example, she “puts her finger up a straight guy’s ass.” It’s clear she didn’t seek consent before taking the action. How many women have criticized men for kissing them before finding out if the woman consented to being kissed? Or for reaching out to fondle their boob? Or to “grab them by the pussy?” This is the Contemporary Sexual Conundrum. Generally, men have been taught — and expected — to take the initiative. Women don’t know the horror a 7th grade boy feels when he is expected to “ask a girl to dance.” We learn we must take the first step. We don’t know the answer until we try — whether asking to dance, initiating the first kiss or seeking to hit the home run.
Jennifer Carlson, a sociology professor at the University of Arizona who studies gender, believes, “It isn’t easy to be a man in the United States. Demands put on men — whether it’s to be the protector, to be the provider, to respond to situations in certain ways, to prove yourself as a man — end up being not just outwardly destructive but also inwardly destructive.”
As we say in Hawai’i about venturing into the ocean, “If you don’t know, don’t go.” Our complicated new world means ALL of us must ask before initiating any sexual act. Duduzane should have (1) known her partner well enough to be confident he would appreciate her action, and (2) women like Duduzane can’t expect men to behave differently if this is how women act toward men. We have become a nation of sluts and horn dogs. Nobody takes the time to get to know each other properly.
My response to Ms. Gupta’s post:
Did the woman ASK her male partner before putting her finger up his ass? Why not? Second, men aren’t confused!!! Put your finger up my ass and I’ll giggle, laugh, and say, “Please don’t do that.”
I won’t create a #MeToo website while posting your picture and telling the world what a terrible person you are. SPEAK UP, TEACH US … if you can hook up with me, you can talk to me about what you like and don’t like!!!
- Get to KNOW your partner before engaging in any sexual activity.
- Have the COURAGE to tell your partner what you expect — and demand.
- A failure of one is a failure of both partners. Know before you go down.
Sexual Boundaries Require Communication!
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