Suicide or Stick Around? Holidays Are Rough

A lifelong friend posted today about suicide (attached below): “In my darkest moments, I thought about taking my life. I never actually tried. I just thought about it. I contemplated what would be the easiest way to go — physically for me and emotionally for everyone around me.”

Can relate. I thought about it. All I had to do was take one step forward. About three years ago, I was fired by Hawaiian Electric for being a “drug criminal.”

In America, this is an insidious label. DRUGS!!! DRUGS!!! DRUGS!!! We demonize people who use drugs — although Americans use more drugs than any society in world history. 

For months, I stood on the ledge of my 25th floor balcony contemplating suicide. Had shamed my family; was humiliated and embarrassed before my trusted coworkers and respected manager. My career was over. I was worthless and a piece of sh*t. 

I’m a beat-up athlete. My body is broken in so many ways. DRs prescribed opioids. These are dangerous and highly addictive. Many know my mother. She died from alcohol addiction.

Concerned about addiction, my DRs recommended medical cannabis (marijuana). Many of my friends in Idaho or other places consider cannabis to be unacceptable. Opioids and other BigPhMRA medications led to over 100,000 overdose deaths in 2021. Nobody died using cannabis.

Asian women in Hawai’i fired me. Generally Asian people are so kind and compassionate. I had informed company HR. Their rep, a pleasant woman named Liz Deer, said I would be fine. However, the ladies still fired me. Cruelly, they crushed me and pierced my soul.

A Korean friend is currently in remission from breast cancer. I’m certain these Asian executives would not have fired her for using medical cannabis. None would be so heartless to a woman.

Imagine taking away her employment, income and ending her health insurance. Who would do that to any human being? However, men are not treated well in Hawai’i — particularly White males. 

Still not sure if I belong sticking around. It’s a day-to-day struggle when one has been demonized by society. I thank my wife for her unconditional love and support, as well as the help from my friends. 

Merry Christmas to all, Mele Kalikimaka and happy holidays. To the Asian woman at Hawaiian Electric, I send aloha and wish you good fortune. It’s my prayer you never treat another human being as cruelly as you treated me.

Here’s to sticking around in 2022.

“In my darkest moments, I thought about taking my life. I never actually tried. I just thought about it. I contemplated what would be the easiest way to go -- physically for me and emotionally for everyone around me. 

I know it’s hard for people who have never been in such a dark place to understand how any mother could think about taking her own life. But parents who contemplate suicide don’t feel that they are being selfish by leaving their children without a mom or a dad. 

Parents who contemplate suicide genuinely believe that their children will actually be better off without them, that their children’s world will be easier and happier without their parent in it. You have to be in a hell of a lot of pain to think that way. I was in a hell of a lot of pain.”

I know from reading your comments and messages that many of you can relate to those feelings, so I wanted to share that excerpt from my book to ask you to do one thing today: stick around. 

And then I’d like to ask you to do it again tomorrow. Stick around. And the next day too. Stick around. And keep sticking around. One day at a time. 

Your life matters even when it doesn’t feel like it. There is hope, even when it doesn’t feel like it. And you still have a wonderful life ahead of you, even though it might not feel like it right now.
 
I’ll be completely honest with you, when I was at my lowest and people told me that someday I’d find joy and confidence and peace, I didn’t believe them. 

So I’m not asking you to believe me if you can’t right now. I’m just asking you to do one thing: stick around.

I’m so glad I did.

#HoldOnButDontHoldStill

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Ko’olau of Kaua’i. I am the Defiant One
“I Believe We Can”